Boundaries are essential for safe, healthy, authentic relationships—but, when you’re a trauma survivor, asserting them can feel deeply confusing, painful, or even like emotional rejection. Paradoxically, these protective measures often trigger systems wired to respond to disconnection, even when the boundary is a healthy act of self-respect.
Navigating a Nervous System Rewired by Trauma
Survivors often feel unsafe when asserting their needs, because trauma alters how the nervous system interprets social cues. As one study explains, “trauma can leave survivors with heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment, even when none is intended” (Ford & Courtois, 2021, p. 15).
This helps explain why boundary-setting—even when gentle—can feel like danger rather than empowerment.
When Boundaries Feel Like Betrayal
For survivors of interpersonal trauma, boundaries may be misinterpreted as betrayal. “Betrayal trauma occurs when those most depended upon for care and safety are also the ones causing harm” (Freyd et al., 2019, p. 223). Survivors conditioned in these environments may internalize the belief that self-advocacy equals disloyalty. Read more about betrayal trauma here.
Boundaries as a Path to Growth
Encouragingly, boundary-setting is strongly linked to post-traumatic growth (PTG) and healing (Wu et al., 2022). Boundaries can become part of that acceptance process, helping you as a survivor rebuild agency.
Asserting boundaries can feel very unnatural. These feelings are not evidence of weakness but reflections of trauma’s impact. It’s important to remember that you are not alone. Psychotherapy can offer a safe space to explore the emotions and challenges that arise as you heal from trauma. While the work of boundary setting can feel uncomfortable, take comfort in knowing that you are healing through this process.
Practical Takeaways
- Remind yourself: “I am not rejecting others; I am protecting myself.”
- Start small: Practice boundaries in low-stakes contexts. A helpful table of healthy and unhealthy boundaries can be found here.
- Anchor in safety: Choose relationships that validate your needs.
- Seek support: Trauma-informed therapy can help retrain the nervous system.
Final Reflection
If you’re a trauma survivor, it’s natural that boundary-setting feels uncomfortable—even painful. Those feelings don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. They mean you’re healing. As Ford and Courtois (2021) remind us, “recovery requires survivors to reclaim ownership of their boundaries and redefine safety on their own terms” (p. 19).
Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re reclamation.
References
- Ford, J. D., & Courtois, C. A. (2021). Posttraumatic stress disorder. Academic Press.
- Freyd, J. J., Klest, B., & Allard, C. B. (2019). Betrayal trauma: Relationship to physical, psychological, and social functioning. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 20(3), 223–238. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299732.2019.1592642
- Lepore, S. J., Revenson, T. A., Weinberger, S. L., Weston, P., Frisina, P. G., Robertson, R., & Davey, A. (2016). Social constraints, intrusive thoughts, and depressive symptoms among bereaved mothers. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(4), 279–293. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2016.35.4.279
- Park, C. L., Russell, B. S., Fendrich, M., & Finkelstein-Fox, L. (2022). Post-traumatic growth among survivors of intimate partner violence: A qualitative study. Violence Against Women, 28(3–4), 676–697. https://doi.org/10.1177/10778012211009748
- Wu, X., Kaminga, A. C., Dai, W., Deng, J., Wang, Z., Pan, X., & Liu, A. (2022). Posttraumatic growth and its predictors in survivors of trauma: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 801812. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.801812
